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bury me.

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goodness gracious. [Jan. 18th, 2014|02:34 pm]
bury me.
[mood |chipperchipper]
[music |ellie goulding. all day every day.]

This is day 7 of my 8 day stretch surprise vacation. Last saturday i took the midnight train to chicago (this sounds like a line from a song) to visit jacob. i really enjoyed the train, it is quiet, relaxing and peaceful. i made a mellow playlist and tried to sleep most of the time. it was so refreshing to get out of pittsburgh. although it is the dead of winter and chicago was absolutely windy and freezing it was still exhilarating. the week before i arrived it was in the negatives i think -45 with the windchill to be exact so i'm so thankful i missed that or else i think it would have been dangerous to even attempt to go outside. we did a lot of sightseeing. visited the field museum that reminded me a lot like the carnegie museum. It had the obligatory dinosaur skeleteon, an egyptian tomb, africa room, gem room. etc. it was huge and beautiful. we also went to the art institute of chicago which was probably my favorite place to go. there was so much art there it was overwhelming. we basically had to sprint through it because jacob was on a time schedule but that was totally okay. there was a food exhibit that showed all of the artworks that revolved around food. we saw the famous norman rockwell thanksgiving picture with the roosevelts. i took a bunch of pictures but not enough. i was trying to really enjoy everything in the moment and not through my phone. something that i need to be better at. but i have such an awful memory if i dont have pictures ill forget everything. such is life. the city is humungous, it really put things in perspective as to how i felt about pittsburgh which i originally thought was big. chicago was stupid big. we visited the bean aka cloudgate aka selfie central. and michael jacksons man on the mirror was playing which i found ironically hilarious. and considering i love michael jackson i was pretty stoked. jacob has grown so much since college, he is inspiring me to be a better, organized, mature, well rounded adult. his apartment was beautiful. the view of the lake was incredible. i'm very envious and jealous, but your life is what you make it. so i'm on the new journey to improving my life. not that its bad, but it can look better and i can try not to be such a slob. i'm almost 30. clothes all over my floor should be a thing in the past. oh well. some things may never change. we ate at a restaurant called urban belly. which was delicious. i ate this rice cake chicken soup that was the perfect amount of spicy and tangy. it was so good. the atmosphere was very nice as well. we went to an aquarium and i was strangely drawn to this sea turtle named nickle. who was 180 pounds and handicapped :( she was ran over by a boat and her back legs no longer work. so i just sat there watching her swim with her front flippers and butt skimming the top of the water. it made me so sad. i went to chinatown. which was also pretty interesting. jacob and i got a buffet full of food haha. it was delicious. he brought me coffee in bed every morning which made me spoiled. i had a lot of fun. i sort of want to move there. just don't know if i ever could. maybe i can just start traveling more. which is my goal of 2014 anyhow.

carly moved home. she bought a car. her life is starting to look a lot better on paper than mine. but what i have to relaize is i actually have a better life than her. as of right now, she doesn't do much. has no real experiences. i'm sort of like jessa from girls. maybe i have too many experiences. (NAH) i wouldn't trade my experiences in for all of the money and nice stuff in the world. so i have to remember that. i went to college and met all of my best friends. and i wouldn't change any of that for the world. so many good memories. good parties. good friends.

i need to go to cosmo prof to get hair dye. i also stopped taking my welbutrin. well see how this goes. i feel pretty good except the fact i have this void where a boyfriend should be. :( COOL.
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i need you more than i need myself. [Oct. 16th, 2005|11:43 pm]
bury me.
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |say anything- the futile]

this weekend was the best weekend i've had since thus summer.

hil picked me up and took me back with her to sewickely.
we then picked up cara and went to eat n park with jay.
then we proceeded to the southside, went to toms.
met up with some kids/old pals.
then we went back to sewickley and had a photo session that made fun of all the stupid hardcore girls on myspace.

ridiculous myspace photoshootCollapse )
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this is the reason your alone, this is the rise and the fall. [Oct. 10th, 2005|01:13 am]
bury me.
[mood |sadsad]
[music |between the buried and me]

so i haven't updated this thing in a really long time.
i'm in college now. and it's pretty okay i guess. i probably made about 45 new friends. and those are my only friends. i miss my old friends like woah. i hang out with these people every day of my life. my entire life has done a complete 360. new place to live, new rules...well actually there is no rules. i drink. and i scream. because nikki screams. i cry weekly, for pretty much no reason. it's so weird. being here makes me feel even more alone but i'm constantly surrounded by people. i never understood that concept before i came here. i mean i like everyone, and i really like being here. but no body is like me at all. i can't really choose my friends here. i mean, i can. but it just so happens that all of my friends are the people who live with me. i just want my old friends to be here with me. i want someone here that is like me. i want to talk about band stuff and outrageous moments. on the other hand, i'm really glad i don't live at home or associate with my family. even though my mom has called me once and bitched me out while she was drunk, i am so glad i don't have to deal with that on a daily basis.

ive gotten pulled over twice since i've been here.
i got high.
i wear bummy ass clothes.
i NEVER wear make up.
i have a crush on any remotely close to emo boy i see.
i never sleep. just like right now. iwent to bed at 6 am this morning. because i was doing laundry. so then i napped the entire day. and now i cant sleep. and i love sleeping.
i don't go see my boys at every chance i get. and i hate that.
i now know that i am completely over scott.....finally.

i can't think anymore. i updated this thing, and everyone should be happy.

im obsessed with the current bands
the academy is
the rocket summer
say anything
counting crows
panic at the disco

ps. im going to see fall out boy, the starting line, boys night out motion city soundtrack and panic at the disco thursday. its going to be hands down the best fucking show i'll ever go to in my entire life.
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i can name all 50 states.....48 get in the way. [Jun. 25th, 2005|05:18 pm]
bury me.
[mood |chipperchipper]
[music |midtown]

so i just got home from the wave pool. needless to say i am burnt. which is no surprise. now i will be super cool and super tan. the last 2 weeks have been really fun. i have been actually going out and doing stuff for like the first time in my life. i'm being social. aaaahhh weird. it's real cool though. i need to prep myself for college. since i'm going to have to basically meet a whole new group of friends..


well i saw derek this week. which was pretty alright. i miss him again. it will never end. i'll probably see him and the boys in another few months. but i would give up anything to see those boys on  a regular basis. they are probably the best group of people i know.


speaking of boys and the best group of people i know. my other closest boys are on tour also. they are doing extremely well and i am proud of them. but i miss them alot as well. boys in bands suck. thats all i have to say. haha.


well. i really don't feel like updating anymore. probably because i'm extremely tired and dehydrated i would do anything for a gatorade right now.


peace out !

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(no subject) [Jun. 16th, 2005|03:12 pm]
bury me.
thisis my day.

rocKin n i s h: dude
rocKin n i s h: my fucking car died
rocKin n i s h: and imin sewickley
rocKin n i s h: and i wrecked it the other day
rocKin n i s h: my dad is going to rip my face off. HARDCORE.
rocKin n i s h: i will not be living soon.
SuGaRKiSsEs13: #1. how did you fucking wreck it ?
SuGaRKiSsEs13: #2. how did it die
SuGaRKiSsEs13: #3. did it die from being wrecked ?
rocKin n i s h: i ran into the side of a house. its complicated. it soundsn reallly stupid.
rocKin n i s h: but i hada good reason.
rocKin n i s h: no.
SuGaRKiSsEs13: are you kidding me.
rocKin n i s h: and i have no idea why it died.
rocKin n i s h: all tha tmatters is that i'm stuck in sewickley.
rocKin n i s h: and my dad is going to murder me.
SuGaRKiSsEs13: well ...... i dont know what to say. this is all pretty unbelievable. geez oh man
rocKin n i s h: yep. you're telling me.
rocKin n i s h: welll.
rocKin n i s h: im going to get dressed.
SuGaRKiSsEs13: youre naked too? wow.
rocKin n i s h: ahhahha
rocKin n i s h: and wet.
rocKin n i s h: hahhaahahha.
SuGaRKiSsEs13: sounds like a porno to me
SuGaRKiSsEs13: "big tits gone wild"
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time of my life. [May. 5th, 2005|12:36 pm]
bury me.
[mood |elated]
[music |the starting line _ READY]

so i went to bamboozle this weekend. it was amazing. i saw basically all of my favorite bands except midtown alexisonfire and action-action. but i missed midtown and action - action due to craziness. but its okay i will redeem myself and see them in pittsburgh on saturday!!! yay. i got to hang out with scenes from a movie. they are my favoritest boys ever. time and distance also. why can't boys like them live in pa? honestly. and of course i fell in love again. who shall remain nameless :)


but. there was some extreme drama the way down, there, and the way back. but you know what? i don't care. i had fun. and even though i stayed out of it. bitches said that i should "wax my upper lip and stayed kept my ass at home if i had finals" well fuck that. i know who my true friends are. and the next time  you wana say something behind my back? make sure you say it loud enough for me to hear. so quit putting on the fake nice act and grow up. okay. end of story. drama over.

i was walking with heather on the boardwalk flyering for my boys in victory lane and i saw justin from mcs scurrying. so i was like omg. i ran up to him and was like "hey, did you guys already play today" and he said yes. at noon. i was sad. but. he kept talking to me. and it was pheonominal. (if thats how you spell it) and hes like "you don't care if we walk and talk, i gotta go to my van" and i was like eeep thats fine. meanwhile i was border line pissing myself. haha. so we're talking and walking down the boardwalk. heather said people were staring at us, cause obviously we were the coolest ones there. haha. and we talked about my name, and our parents, and really stupid stuff. but i didn't care. i holding a conversation with one of the best singers/musicians master mind ever. and so he asked us for directions to the bowling alley (where there was a stage) and i gave him directions and i was a big geek and got my picture taken with him. i'm sure it will be on msypace shortly.


well. i can't think of anything else. i am sweating profusely at the norwin public library.

i'm finally done with WCCC. i took my last final on tuesday night. CAL U here i fucking come. woot.




oh, and every time i listen to this starting line song. i cry. big fucking loser i know, but its pretty much the best song i ever heard. k thanks bye.

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kick start my rockin' rollin' heart. [Apr. 8th, 2005|12:13 pm]
bury me.
[mood |anxiousanxious]
[music |"jimmy eat world mother fuckers!"]

so here i am in the damn computer lab at wccc. it's super nice out. and i havent gone to one class all week. so now that its friday, i figured i might as well go to my math class and take a test. hehe. i had good intentions on going to class on wednesday. but i came early, so i figured id sit in the lab until 1 then i'd go to class. well on my way here, i saw graham in the parking lot and he started talking to me. he left, i left. 15 minutes later, he came into the computer lab just as i was about to leave for my math class. well he kicks my chair and sits next to me. at that moment i knew i wasnt going to make it to my math class. haha. so we had a good conversation. i was uber excited, like the little girl i usually am.

also. last night me and gena went running around my neighborhood. because we need to get our asses into shape for summer, and i'm just sick of being a lard ass. and after were done i'm sitting in my yard heaving and ho-ing for my life and derek fucking reese calls me. i thought i was going to cry. so me and him talked for a while, and of course i fell right back in love with him again. i also realized i met him around this time last year. i'm thinking april 14th. so thats one whole year i was pretty much obsessed with him. but now he has a girlfriend and that sort of makes me sad. but we had a good conversation last night, he said even though he did have a girlfriend he didn't want to lose touch with me. so that made me really happy. he's the best ever.


and also my car is leaking hella bad. anti-freeze im pretty sure. it's green, and it looks like a ninja turtle was born underneath my car every night. so i gotta go get that fixed before my show tonight with the switch. i got jeffs band on this show, they better not dissapoint me.


also. my boys are playing with punchline on sunday. good times. good times.

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heart is on the floor....why don't you step on it. [Apr. 4th, 2005|07:15 pm]
bury me.
[mood |annoyedannoyed]

also. for some weird reason, it wont let me post the word G I R L. so any where it says "FRIEND" G I R L is supposed to be in front of it. so please keep that in mind. haha. so i am border line furious. i have never talked about the breaking up of me or scott in any of my entries. or at least i don't think so. and most definately not recently. yes i am still distraught over the whole thing. i do not know why, but come on. i dated the kid for 3 + years and quite frankly the only person i was ever in love with. and i never talk about my feelings to anyone. especially about scott of course i'm not over him, i'm not sure if i will ever be over him. he was the best/worst thing that ever happened to me. anyways. he is the only real ex-boyfriend i have ever had. and he has a friend now i've never dealt with the whole "new friend" situation before. and i'm not sure how to react. i'm not sure how to feel actually. everyone tells me "oh she's really cool, you and her are so much alike you guys would get along so good" blah blah blah. well thats great, that doesnt make me feel any better what so ever. but the thing is, i guess i'm happy for him. because apparently theyre all in love with each other, and that makes me sick. the thought of scott with another makes me sick. i was his first real friend, and vice-versa. we learned everything we know from each other. so me picturing him with someone else like puts tears in my eyes. maybe i'm heart broken? jealous? i don't know what it is. but it's something i've never had to deal with before, and its ripping me apart. and also knowing that she is "just as cool" as me, makes me feel like even more crap. like i have to compete or something. which i totally am not because i'm not like that at all, but still. and also. i found a huge similarity to her myspace profile as mine. which baffles me, because she blatantly ripped me off. why? i have no idea. i mean, its flattering in all, but come on. that's incredibly lame. be yourself. and i thought i was overreacting at first. but i talked to someone else about it, and they agreed also. the way she typed things, the way her pictures are, the way her bands are listed with hearts on them. i did the SAME exact thing. and its creepy that we are friends with the same exact people. i don't know. this whole thing is giving me a headache. and i'm sure somehow this entry is going to come back and bite me in the face. because thats what happens when i talk about my feelings. i give it 2 weeks max. they'll be "baby momma drama" as i like to call it. i don't know. help. all i know, is for someone to copy you, you must rule. the end. peace out.
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lame asss hoe. [Apr. 3rd, 2005|12:37 pm]
bury me.
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |two of hearts (party monster)]

i have nothing better to post. so i'm going to post this stupid survey.
everbody loves me.
and i have to go to work now. FUCK. it's going to take me 2 hours to get there, cause i'm in waynesburg. i love waynesburg. i'm here too much.
my parents won't be home til tuesday. thats amazing.

01. I have never kissed someone of the same sex on the lips.
02. I see a therapist.
03. I'm the youngest child.
04. I am drawn to things associated with sadness.
05. I have gauged earrings.
06. I wear black eyeliner every day.
07. I am extremely influenced by kindness.
08. I love to write.
09. I can't live without lipgloss.
10. I'm probably emotionally scarred.

11. I lived in Tahoe.
12. I spend money I have.
13. I’ll be in college/university for over 4 years.
14. I love designer handbags.
15. I've had a concussion before.
16. I'm not good with confrontation.
17. I loved the Backstreet Boys & NSYNC
18. I have more than a couple horrible memories.

19. I'm addicted to Degrassi.
20. I've tried writing poetry before.
21. My first kiss was unexpected.
22. I'm not a fan of rap.
23. I love taking pictures.
24. I hate girls who are fake.
25. I can be mean when I want to.
26. When I allow myself to get close to people, I get attached.

27. I am not straight.
28. I have way too many pairs of shoes.
29. I was into Hot Wheels as a child.
30. I dress how I feel that day.
31. My room is painted a color other than white.
32. I cry very easily.
33. I'm always early.
34. I barely ever study for tests.
35. My birthday is my favorite holiday.
36. I have too many clothes for my closet/dresser.
37. I am a morning person
38. I wish I were smarter.
39. I believe that it is wrong to be gay.
40. I think that it’s perfectly okay to be gay.
41. No one really knows me.
42. I don't have many bad hair days.
43. I sometimes fight with my parents.
44. I am passionate about my interests.
45. I have had the chicken pox.
46. I'm a hopeless romantic.
47. I feel empty sometimes.
48. I am/was most likely clinically depressed at a point in my life.

49. I am no longer depressed.
50. I am very outgoing.
51. Christmas is my favorite holiday.
52. I can be very insecure.
53. I don't notice it, but I'm told I'm very softspoken.
54. I hate ignorant people.
55. I love the color yellow.
56. I love guys that play the guitar.
57. I state the obvious.
58. I'm a happy person.

59. I have absolutely no self-confidence.
60. I've contemplated suicide.
61. I hate cleaning my room.
62. I tend to get jealous.
63. I love to play video games.
64. I love John Mayer.
65. I get more upset when I see an animal hurt than a person.
66. I'm a vegetarian/vegan/don't eat beef.
67. I've had a crush on a teacher before.
68. I am too forgiving.

70. I have a good sense of direction.
71. I've never had a boyfriend/girlfriend before.
72. I've played a musical instrument for more than 5 years.
73. I can function perfectly well without a girlfriend/boyfriend.
74.I love kisses on the forehead.
75. I love the color blue.

76. I don't sew.
77.I am not addicted to drugs.
78. I wear contacts
79. I hate it when people say they hate Bush just because he is a moron.
80. I hate Bush.
81. I don't take criticism well.
82. Conformity is stupid.
83. Chris Carrabba is one of the sexiest men alive.

84. Chris Carrabba should die.
85. I love my family.
86. I don't mind getting shots.
87. I am a perfectionist when it comes to certain things.
88. I always wanted to learn to play the drums.
89. I can be too hard on myself.
90. I'm probably going to have premarital sex.
91. I don't like my nose.
92. I am very religious.
93. I still act like a little kid.
94. I am ridiculously indecisive.
95. I believe in a higher power or some form of an afterlife.
96. I love music.
97. I have problems letting go of people.

98. Jesse Lacey writes some of the most amazing lyrics ever.
99. I don't really like ice cream.
100. I am in love.
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There's beauty in this breakdown.... [Mar. 28th, 2005|01:59 am]
bury me.
[mood |recumbentwhatever that means.]
[music |hot hot heat - le le low]

well. its monday. first day back from my 2 week spring break. haha. english was awful, i had a midterm and i got an 87% which is absolutely ridiculous because i never fucking go to class, ever. my math class let out early, so i was like. hmmm computer lab. so i'm walking towards the lab and i see this cute chinese boy that i normally see every once in a while. he's gay for sure, which makes him even cuter. well. hes not cute. but hes cute because hes 1. chinese 2. gay. 3. very fashionable 4. small 5. wears girl pants.  and he has his little chinese accent, and its hilarious cause he totally talks like he's gay. so. now that i got that out of my system. i walk into the computer lab. and there is this 46 year old man whos wearing a speedo shirt with logos and crap all over it, with one of those scull cap things that you wear when you ride a motor cycle. thats something you don't normally see when you go to a NORMAL college. god. i can't wait to get out of here. i didn't see graham today either, and that makes me sad. he's the most gorgeous boy that goes here. i swear. i even thought that before i knew that was even him. ahhhh. shut up shayna, i know what you're thinking. probably something along the lines of "T-whats up. i love the jul................iana theory" so as of right now i should be psychology but i skipped. hm. imagine the odds of that. also. i have a huge paper thats due in that class. well, it was due the friday before spring break. needless to say i didn't do it, and i'm still trying to find someone elses paper to turn in. haha. i hope i'm not this bad when i go to cal. i don't think i will be. i hate this place immensely. and my classes are a joke. i know once i get to cal i'll be more serious about school. or drinking. i havent decided. haha.

so. my computer is fixed. but. keith won't let me on it because he is a bastard. apparently, live journal, myspace purevolume and aim are VIRUSES. oh my god. everyone stop using them immediately because your computer is going to crash and your pc will be filled with COOKIES. oh my god. the world is going to end. fuck him. he sucks. but he buys me an ipod for christmas, (which i frequently use because it rules.) and then proceeds to tell me that i cannot use the computer- or download my iTunes program to update my ipod. FUCKER. so now my ipod is useless because he 1. deleted all of my songs and 2. whenever you delete songs off of iTunes, they're deleted off of your ipod the next time you plug it in. so now i am either stuck with the same songs on my ipod for the rest of my life, or whenever i get my computer for school i'm going to have to start all over again and put my songs back on. god. my life is never simple. also speaking of my ipod i am listening to it now as i am in this shitty computer lab, and my left ear piece is broke. no sound is coming out. marvelous.

also, on the subject of broken things. my digital camera is also broken. so for about 2 weeks i have been without my camera. and i am a god damn camera slut. i take that thing every where and take pictures of everything. and now its broken. so no new myspace pictures, no pictures of bands, no retarded photo shoots with any of my friends. that really upsets me. the only thing i have is 4 cds that keith burned for me with about 1000 pictures that i ever had on the computer. which is completely useless to me right now becuase i'm not even allowed on the computer. everything i ever had on that computer is gone. gay.

so i picked up all my mail yesterday at my dads. which consisted of 24 things from cal saying they have open house 45 things from community college telling me i have no more grant money left for summer and i cant take classes unless i pay out of my own pocket and bills from my car accident in february. and also a thing from the DMV saying ineed to send in 36 dollars for my license plate renewa. ughhh. but. at the very end there was one piece of mail left. it was from the college, and it was in that weird paper that taxes come in. and i was like "great what is this" and my dad goes "i 'bet its taxes for the college" so i was like fuck. i have 100 dolllars until next friday. ican't pay no more shit. i open it up-birds sang, the sun shine and flowers sprouted. fucking                                 863.00

dollar check. yesssss. thats what i'm talking about. it's going straight into my savings account. i got last sem.and use it towards cal. but. i need a new cell phone. i've had this stupid remote control looking thing since i met pat dee. which was about  2 years ago. so i think i'm going to treat myself and buy a new cellular device. :) which i'm sort of excited about. also. i MIGHT buy a new camera. but i'm not sure. i need to save this money incase i get stuck next year and don't have any money. so i might just settle with the cell. also speaking of treating myself. i need to dye my hair again, it looks like crap. its all faded and ihave grey roots. lame. i'm 18 who has grey roots? and everyone is going tanning lately. and i was skimming through some of my pictures from the summer, and i look damn cute when i went to the beach. cause i was tan. so maybe i'll spend 30 dollars for one month so i can melt my skin and smell like sweaty tanning oil. because god dammit i really want a boyfriend. this is getting ridiculous. i keep meeting all these weirdos and theyre totally not for me at all. i'm begining to think only low-life losers like me. who arent in school or works at a pizza shop full time.

i'm also spending way too much time in waynesburg. i hang out with shayna and jason so much i think theyre sick of me. i don't even care. i'm pretty sure jason is the best friend i've ever had in my entire life. me and him have never fought, never bickered anything. we never have a bad time. he knows basically everything about me, and i can finish his sentences. i love him more than anyone i've probably ever met in my life. and then theres shayna, shes one of the best girl friends i've ever had. i can always depend on her for anything, and thats freaking awesome. without her i'd be an absolute mental case.

i really really really miss my old friends though. it's getting to the point where i forget all our inside jokes, i havent hung out with anyone from highschool in a really long time. (with the exception of billie and gena) no one calls me anymore, or i'll call and its sort of akward. i don't know. it makes me really sad actually. i love my friends more than anything in the world, and i just hope they don't forget about me.  summer is coming soon, so maybe that will all change. it just sucks becauase everyone moved away and started new lives, and i got stuck with the pits at home. oh well. theres nothing i can do about that. next year is going to be a brand new year, new life new everything. and it's going to be great. i'm finally going to be on my own, away from my chaotic family. which i've needed for so long. i will finally be happy.

hm. theres also alot of really good shows coming.

april 2nd- wings of azrael and a bunch of other band i forget.

april 5th- straylight run- spitalfield

i used to hate straylight, but they grew on me. so im excited for that.

ahhh spitalfield- i saw them less than a month ago. but mark rose is the new love of my life.

april 8th- i got scenes from a movie on one of the play'r shows. 

 ihavent seen these boys since october. i'm going to piss myself.

april 10th- punchline and my boys in victory lane. (edinboro)

the last time i saw punchline was in charleroi- and it was fucking amazing. plus i'm riding up in the van with the boys, thats always exciting withiin its self.

april 22nd- the boys cd release show in sewickley.


me and marissa saw them at carnegie a few months ago. they get more amazing each time i see them i just want to cry. haha.

may 7th- MIDTOWN.

this new cd rules, it's pretty much my favorite one. so i'm going to rock out like no other. plus the last time i saw them, time and distance played. so i was all up on dereks shit. and i didn't pay much attention. sorry gabe. haha.

may 14th- the fucking blood brothers

hahaha. yessss. these next two months are going to fucking rule. and i'm going to be broke as hell.

gas prices are now. 2.10 when i started this damn journal i was bitching about it being at 1.79 i would kill for 1.79 gas.

okay. this journal entry has been long enough. i'im going to peace out.


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